As I wrote in the article “The truth about motherhood”, is it very hard for mothers to do anything right. Choices are always criticized by one party or another. But this is not only about the caring and disciplining of small children. It goes on until far in adulthood. Children, other mothers and experts will continue to blame mothers for their actions. If the child develops phobias, it was because the mother was overprotecting. If a child gets depressed, it was because the mother was judging the child too often. Or if the child starts to use drugs, it is because the mother did not pay enough attention.
On average, fathers are spending more time with their kids nowadays compared to a generation ago, but it is true that even a working mother is still spending more time caring for the family than the father does. And mothers try very hard, but they are not perfect. So adult children are looking for causes of their problems in the way their mothers raised them. And the fathers? Well, they were busy working and did not interfere that much in the daily tasks of raising children. And this way mothers are made responsible for the happiness and miseries of the children.
There is much more research on the influence of mothers on their children, than that of fathers. But the fact that mothers spend more time with their children does not mean that they have more influence than the father. A father, however, influences different aspects of the children’s development, because a father is biologically and psychologically different than the mother. Men are more likely to play with their children and tease them and encourage them to achieve, while women focus on caring, hugging and holding.
Children, who play often with their father, will be less scared in strange situations and possess better social skills. They are often less aggressive and deal better with competition and cooperation. Fathers help children to be more active, independent, curious and self aware. When fathers are active in disciplining children, children show less behavioral problems.
Theodore Hesburgh
Next to the direct influence a father has on the wellbeing of his children, there is also a indirect influence. When a father supports his wife, it will have a positive effect on the relationship between her and her children. This is not only important for the traditional two-parent families, but also when parents break up. Children who continue to be close with both parents will feel better and behave better than children who lose contact with their father or have a difficult relationship with their father.
Women who work out of the house can look more like men when they play with their children en are more intensive, wilder and creative than stay-at-home mums. How do you and your husband share the tasks of raising children? Do you differ in the way you interact with your children? Do you fulfill the traditional roles with mother as caregivers and protectors and the father as encouragers and fighters?
Comments 4
My wife and I share day care duty. I’m home three work days a week, she’s home two. She’s is slightly more ON during the weekend. I coach. Etc. etc.
I can speak for me since I’m home slightly more during the week. I often feel like a traditional stay at home “MOM” because the kids can’t wait until their real mom gets home. Sometimes they don’t appreciate me and all that I’m doing for them. So I definitely “get” that piece of parenting. It’s a drag.
I should just get a 9-5 job and stop having so much flexibility. Then I can be the ONE.
But seriously, it’s great being able to see them a lot. My wife and I agree on this.
Posted 14 Oct 2009 at 11:32 pm ¶This is a great synopsis of how the roles of father and mother have changed over time, yet are still the same as far as the role of the mother as a nurturer. My husband definitely helps my sons be independent, I’d hover over them nonstop if it were up to me.
One thing I find interesting about my sons and most kids I know is that they all seem to think that dad is more fun than mom. When I was a kid, dad’s were in charge of discipline, and it was such a big part of their role that I didn’t know anyone who thought their dad was fun. I agree that dads need to be active in the discipline aspect, but it’s nice that they get to be fun too!
Posted 15 Oct 2009 at 5:56 am ¶@ Bring Back Pluto: Great to hear that roles do change a bit and that there are dads out there who take on a part of the caring bit. It is so different from the encouraging part of parenting, and must be even harder to take on for a man, since we are genetically programs to fulfill our traditional roles. Men usually do only thing at the time. They either cook, or clean, or play with the children and find it hard to entertain the kids while cooking a meal. Since we women multitask more, it means that we do spend the time with the kids, but not interact with 100% of our brain with the kids.
Posted 15 Oct 2009 at 10:22 am ¶@ Tina T: Dads should be more fun than mums. They are the ones to give the kids confidence and encourage them to make achievements. Also, when they play with their kids, they give it their 100%, while we are still with our minds at our shopping lists, doing some laundry, etc.
Posted 15 Oct 2009 at 10:27 am ¶Personally, I felt that the roles changed as I grew older. Dad became less and less fun as I started to go out and have boyfriends. I did not care for playing games anymore and mum’s listening ear and understanding was far more appreciated. But that is speaking as a daughter. It might be different for sons.
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