A couple of months ago, there was this Oprah show on The Truth About Motherhood. To all mums this must have been so recognizable, since it dealt with topics as sleep deprivation, competition between moms, body fluids and more. I liked the show very much, because I finally felt that I was not alone, not standing out by my honest complaints, and being a mum like everyone else.
Ever since my daughter was born, she got the label ‘high need baby’, which is a term coined by Dr Sears. It is just a nice way of saying ‘cry baby’, or ‘colic baby’. It being my first child, I cannot make comparisons or say whether other babies do not have such high needs. All I can say for sure is that being overwhelmed is an understatement. However, I never tried to hide those feelings for others, and I spoke open and honest about the down sides of motherhood. The only people who ever judged me were people who do not have children themselves. As if I would wish my kid away. And it is like the authors of ‘I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids’ say: other mums would only open up after I had made my confessions.
The first and most striking thing about being a mum is that you are going to be wrong all the time. Whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed, whether you stay at home or go back to work, whether you use disposable diapers or cotton nappies, pick up your kid at the first cry or leave it crying, whether you feed by the clock or on demand, all the choices are wrong. And there is always someone who knows better than you and will tell you what is best for your child. If you are still figuring out why your baby is crying, whether it is tired, or hungry, or hot, or cold, or has pain, others will have an answer ready for you.
The next thing on my list of down sides of motherhood is that you are no longer in control of your own life. You have just spent nine months of making plans, and quite a few weeks cleaning and organizing your house, and cleaning it once again, to find out that within one week all your plans have become useless and your house looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in ages, and you can’t seem to get into any routine. Your life is ruled by a tiny screaming being and will never be the same again.
Meryl Streep
No, never again. It doesn’t stop. You will finally understand the full meaning of “the rest of your life”. There is no lunch break in motherhood, and no days off. It goes on and on and on… If fact you will feel that going to work is like a nice break and are looking forward to Mondays, and then feel guilty about that.
Try telling a sleep deprived person that it will go on and on and on… it is surprising that any babies survive. You are wondering how long you can go on with only a maximum of 45-90 minutes sleep at the time. And you are wondering what you will do to your child at the point where you cannot take it anymore. And in the case that your kids start to sleep through the night, you will be wide awake waiting for that cry, or wondering if everything is alright with them. You might even wake them up yourself to make sure they are OK.
I was also surprised the person I was before I became a mum seemed to be gone. No more fashionable clothes, no more makeup, days without a proper shower. The amount of dirt that a mum can take is truly amazing. Washing your hair becomes a luxury. There is no need to change your clothes for a little spot of vomit, pee or poo. And if it happened to be a full load on the bed, you just cover it with a towel instead of stripping the sheets. You analyze the color of what you found in your baby’s diaper, and you hold out your hand to catch any vomit before it drops on the sofa.
Then the terrible fear that something happens to your child. You vividly imagine all kind of accidents that could happen. You have nightmares about it. And you pray that nothing of the sort will ever happen. The worry, panic, guilt that all mothers have to live with is almost unbearable. It often makes me wonder why people want to have big families and how they can live with a multitude of these worries.
Robert Browning
But then, we feel important, appreciated and needed (at least when they are still small). We find that we smile more often than ever before. We laugh at little things. We swell with pride over anything small achieved. We hug, we kiss, we tickle, we play. And that is what we all do it for.
Check the comments for the Truth about Fatherhood:
Comments 8
I’d like to add a little for my male readers on the Truth of Fatherhood:
Where once you were the first and most important person to your wife, you are now pulling up the rear. Don’t be surprised if you end up somewhere behind the pets in the order of importance. You will be criticized over your diapering, or dressing techniques and you are expected just to ‘know’ things and understand everything, including why your wife is crying even more than the baby does.
And do you silently think that your wife has lost her sex appeal with all that sweet sticky breast milk smell hanging around her, the dark circles under her eyes, and vomit in her hair? Well, she could not care less about what you are thinking. Sex is the last thing on her mind, and it might stay like that for months (or years) to come.
Posted 27 Sep 2009 at 11:13 pm ¶Heheheheh, I feel your pain
Returning the EC drop 
Posted 28 Sep 2009 at 11:18 pm ¶Great post! Couldn’t have said it better myself! Motherhood is NOT for wimps!
Posted 30 Sep 2009 at 8:17 am ¶I love “as a mum you will always be wrong.” So true. I would also add to it that there are always an abundance of parenting articles that will be sure to tell you just how wrong you are and you will believe that your kids are doomed to years of therapy because of your “mistakes” after reading these articles.
Now that my kids are older it’s rare that I get up even once in the middle of the night and when I do I feel terrible the next day. I don’t know how I ever got up all night long when they were babies, because I sure don’t think I could do it now.
Posted 02 Oct 2009 at 1:41 am ¶And it’s no different for GUYS, except for the advice thing. Guys don’t ask for it and other guys don’t volunteer it.
But the overwhelming responsibility of being a parent makes us wonder why we have kids. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable. But what else better would we be doing with our lives really? More bars, chasing skirts, golf?? C’mon. And there’s nothing better than the unconditional love of a child. Until they’re teens that is!!
Posted 05 Oct 2009 at 10:16 pm ¶Wow, Suzanne! That’s really honest! I know and understand every bit of what you’re saying. After six children, there’s not much left to surprise me.
The good thing about all the negative is that somehow we are made to handle it…that toughness is built in to most women. At the same time we hold deep within the opposite…gentleness. That’s a mom, or mum as you say on that side of the world. My oldest daughter (24) calls me Marmie after the mom in Little Women. Every time she says it I just melt with the knowing that I did something right.
Posted 07 Oct 2009 at 11:37 pm ¶Thanks Kellie, for your kind words, as always. Despite the drawbacks of being a mum, I wouldn’t like to miss out on it.
Posted 09 Oct 2009 at 7:42 am ¶And like you said, it makes you really strong as well. I’m doing things that I never thought I would. And I feel confidence that was never there before.
I’m ready for the next one!
I like the honesty of this post. My mother was a career woman so, at 13, I was left to take care of my infant sibling and it was the most awful thing in the world (she was my sister, not my child!). So in my 20s and my friends were all baby-obsessed, I always said, “Taking care of kids is not a joke at all!”
So bravo to you for your honesty and may you always have the energy to do all that motherhood entails! =)
Posted 12 Oct 2009 at 9:40 pm ¶Post a Comment