Warning: Personal philosophies are described here. This is just my personal theory on social expectations. I hope you can follow my thread of thinking and that my social expectations theory gives you some food for thought.
‘Pressure can be a good thing to help people achieve more.’ I think that I have mentioned it before, but the best way to motivate myself to clean the house is pretending that my mum is coming for a visit. Does this say something about my mum, do you think? Or does this say something about me? It is all about expectations and living up to them.
Dr. Sears describes in 10 principles of disciplining , that your child will be as obedient as you expect, or as defiant as you allow. Parents of obedient kids will say that they are obedient because they are expected to. I would like to back up this theory with a blog post of one of the Philippine mums, but can’t find it. A while back I read her post about re-painting the house. The post came with a photo of child’s drawings on the walls and it suggested that it was normal for kids to draw on the walls. (If anyone finds this post, let me know. I’ll like to give it a link). Anyway, I do not think it is normal for kids to draw on walls and it won’t happen in my house. I do not expect it to happen.
Most of parents’ expectations are about values and goals and say something about social status, family background, etc. Kids of academic parents are expected to study hard, while parents of lower social classes expect their kids to fend for themselves and be self-supportive as fast as possible. These expectations have a very powerful effect on the child, because they are setting the standards to which the child will live. Everything will be measured to that standard. My mum’s standard of a clean house is almost sterile clean. A standard that is very hard to maintain, but is nonetheless a great motivator to do the job thoroughly (once a year or so).
Ralph Charell
Expectations do not always have to be a motivator, though. They can also hold a person back from doing something they really want or are good at. And this is why I have fought the concept of expectations for many years. I did not want to live in a standard house, with decent husband, 2.5 kids, a dog and spend the rest of my life taking care of my family while working a part-time job, paying the mortgage and go on an annual holiday to a seaside destination. I did not want it, because it were just social expectations and not my ideas of a great life.
Eventually, I moved to a different continent, often thinking about my ‘expectations theory’ and how these social expectations are in contrast with what we would like to call freedom. Growing up in a European country, and probably the one most famous for the tolerance of the people (and the law), I have always found the pressure of expectations unbearable. I would say to who wanted to listen that freedom can be deceiving. The Western world is meddling in Eastern countries, because they feel the laws are restricting the population and they want to create ‘freedom’ and equality, but true freedom cannot be found in laws and regulations. There are people in restrictive countries who feel more free than some people in so-called free countries. Freedom is the mind of the people.
Tom Magliozzi
It still took me many years pondering over this new ‘freedom theory’ before my big realization came, that if freedom is in the mind of the people, it were not the expectations of the people around me that put pressure on me. It was my own perception of these expectations. Friends, family, and most of all my parents did not force me to follow the social standards of the secure job, a saving account, and a subscription to Reader’s Digest. They just wanted me to be happy and thought that the only way of achieving that was to follow the protocol. It was just me who thought of this as the pressure of expectations. And with this realization, I expected freedom in my mind. Unfortunately, this is not the case (yet).
Comments 3
I have always hated trying to live up to someone elses expectations. I learned over the years to achieve what I thought was possible and not beat myself up if I failed to please others.
Posted 09 Nov 2009 at 10:39 pm ¶Very enlightening thoughts! Now you have me thinking, “Are people really expecting me to do something or follow the norms? Or Do I think that they are expecting me to do all that?” Perhaps, there is no clear boundary on which is which because we live in a world where we are interconnected and what we do as an individual may affect others whether directly or indirectly. Instead of freedom of the mind (which I agree to a large extent), I think I need to put others into consideration too. What I need to do have to be in balance with my values. If what others are expecting me to do are in line with my own values and expectation, we would find it easier doing those tasks. And if the expectations are different, that is the time when are will be forced to make certain decision for or against.
Posted 10 Nov 2009 at 4:27 pm ¶You got my point!
If you THINK that they expect you to do something, then it is your own conscious speaking, and you are more likely to do it. But actually it is less necessary to do it, because others do not expect you to do it at all.
So, are you wasting your energy on doing something no one thinks necessary? Or are you trying to set your standards to high? Are you a perfectionist?
Posted 10 Nov 2009 at 9:14 pm ¶Post a Comment