We all realize at some point that relationships are not as Hollywood movies depict them to be and that happily ever after is something you have to work on. We see couples that look so happy together after a 25-year marriage and wonder what their secret is. Some people find it easy to keep a relationship healthy, while others have doubts easily and find a relationship unsatisfactory after a year and half and never seem to stay long with the same person.
How is your relationship really?
- First of all, you have to ask yourself if you have this strong ‘us-feeling’; this feeling of togetherness and belonging? Do you love to be together? Do you feel like you are a unit together?
- At the same time, it is important that both of you have a strong ‘I-feeling’; perception of yourself, ego. Do you feel that you have something to offer to each other? Do you both have a strong sense of self esteem? You can only love others, if you love yourself first.
- Besides that, your relationship needs mutual respect. You can be annoyed that your partner does things differently, but that is only behavior. It is far worse when you are annoyed that he thinks differently about things and likes different things than you do. You can change the annoying behavior of your partner, but you can’t change his personality.
- Then, have an honest look at how you solve problems. Do you do this in a constructive way or not? Sometimes a compromise is the best solution.
- And last, are you satisfied with your sex life?
George Jean Nathan
Which phase is your relationship going through?
If you a generally positive about these five factors, you can say that the base of your relationship is strong enough. However, like everything else, a relationship requires maintenance. In some phases of a relationship you will find that you need to give little effort for all to go well, while in other phases you will have to work hard to keep a relationship from falling apart. In general, people are most happy in the first few years of their relationship, which stabilizes after a while, only to turn into the seven-year itch. Couples are generally less satisfied with their relationship while they are raising children, and seem to be happier after the kids moved out.
Keep connected throughout your relationship.
Did you ever hear of love cards, or mental maps? It is very important to know your partner, know each other’s dreams, and know what is going on in your partner’s life or at work. Don’t take things for granted, but stay interested in each other. Do you know your partner’s favorite foods, favorite movies, dream vacation, fears? Stay connected with each other by keeping up to date and knowing what the other is thinking and feeling. The only way to find the answers is to ask; talk!
Spend time together. And there is a big difference between spending time together to strengthen the relationship and spending time together because you happen to have a relationship. Quality time is time to focus on each other. Watching a movie together does not count as spending time together. Sometimes it takes planning and an appointment to create this time together. Most important is that you make it your priority to create that time. Even if it is only minutes.
Oscar Wilde
Resolve fights.
There are two kind of conflicts in a relationship; the ones that you can solve, and the ones that you can’t. Research shows that couples are fighting about the same issues years into a relationship as they did at the start. When choosing a partner, you also choose all characteristics; good and bad. If you are annoyed with something, think that you will still be annoyed with it 25 years later. Do you think that you can handle it? Live together and do not fight about it anymore. If not, there is no point in waiting until your partner changes, because that is not going to happen.
In good relationships, you do not solve problems, but you find ways to live with it.
Commit yourself.
A relationship is not just about how to divide chores in the house, solving problems, and making love afterwards. It is also about sharing dreams and goals. Couples with a shared vision on life can be a team that gives reasons to live. Of course such a team has to live with ups and downs as well, but at least they are always convinced of their eternity. None ever considered leaving the relationship and that is what makes them strong together, resolve fights, accept personalities, respect each other and keeps them connected.
