A couple of months ago, there was this Oprah show on The Truth About Motherhood. To all mums this must have been so recognizable, since it dealt with topics as sleep deprivation, competition between moms, body fluids and more. I liked the show very much, because I finally felt that I was not alone, not standing out by my honest complaints, and being a mum like everyone else.
Ever since my daughter was born, she got the label ‘high need baby’, which is a term coined by Dr Sears. It is just a nice way of saying ‘cry baby’, or ‘colic baby’. It being my first child, I cannot make comparisons or say whether other babies do not have such high needs. All I can say for sure is that being overwhelmed is an understatement. However, I never tried to hide those feelings for others, and I spoke open and honest about the down sides of motherhood. The only people who ever judged me were people who do not have children themselves. As if I would wish my kid away. And it is like the authors of ‘I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids’ say: other mums would only open up after I had made my confessions.
The first and most striking thing about being a mum is that you are going to be wrong all the time. Whether you breast-feed or bottle-feed, whether you stay at home or go back to work, whether you use disposable diapers or cotton nappies, pick up your kid at the first cry or leave it crying, whether you feed by the clock or on demand, all the choices are wrong. And there is always someone who knows better than you and will tell you what is best for your child. If you are still figuring out why your baby is crying, whether it is tired, or hungry, or hot, or cold, or has pain, others will have an answer ready for you.
The next thing on my list of down sides of motherhood is that you are no longer in control of your own life. You have just spent nine months of making plans, and quite a few weeks cleaning and organizing your house, and cleaning it once again, to find out that within one week all your plans have become useless and your house looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in ages, and you can’t seem to get into any routine. Your life is ruled by a tiny screaming being and will never be the same again.
Meryl Streep
No, never again. It doesn’t stop. You will finally understand the full meaning of “the rest of your life”. There is no lunch break in motherhood, and no days off. It goes on and on and on… If fact you will feel that going to work is like a nice break and are looking forward to Mondays, and then feel guilty about that.
Try telling a sleep deprived person that it will go on and on and on… it is surprising that any babies survive. You are wondering how long you can go on with only a maximum of 45-90 minutes sleep at the time. And you are wondering what you will do to your child at the point where you cannot take it anymore. And in the case that your kids start to sleep through the night, you will be wide awake waiting for that cry, or wondering if everything is alright with them. You might even wake them up yourself to make sure they are OK.
I was also surprised the person I was before I became a mum seemed to be gone. No more fashionable clothes, no more makeup, days without a proper shower. The amount of dirt that a mum can take is truly amazing. Washing your hair becomes a luxury. There is no need to change your clothes for a little spot of vomit, pee or poo. And if it happened to be a full load on the bed, you just cover it with a towel instead of stripping the sheets. You analyze the color of what you found in your baby’s diaper, and you hold out your hand to catch any vomit before it drops on the sofa.
Then the terrible fear that something happens to your child. You vividly imagine all kind of accidents that could happen. You have nightmares about it. And you pray that nothing of the sort will ever happen. The worry, panic, guilt that all mothers have to live with is almost unbearable. It often makes me wonder why people want to have big families and how they can live with a multitude of these worries.
Robert Browning
But then, we feel important, appreciated and needed (at least when they are still small). We find that we smile more often than ever before. We laugh at little things. We swell with pride over anything small achieved. We hug, we kiss, we tickle, we play. And that is what we all do it for.
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