How is your relationship/marriage? That is a very difficult question to answer, because there are no criteria for a good relationship. But we can safely assume that every individual wants to feel emotionally safe, secure and loved. We all want to be understood and respected.
Relationships do not just happen. The person sitting at your kitchen table is there because you invited him there. And if you assume that at that time you felt it was the right choice, we can also assume that that person matches with you. After that it is a just a case of feeding the relationship with enough attention, appreciation, respect and freedom. If this doesn’t happen, it is often not because we do not want to, but usually we do not know how to do this.
I read somewhere that you cannot substitute baking powder for baking soda when making chocolate chip cookies and if you do not know this your cookies will be flat and dry, while they could be delicious if you followed the recipe. It is the same with relationships. If we keep adding the right ingredients in a relationship, ‘happily ever after’ does not need to be a fairy tale, but we can grow into emotionally beautiful people.
Oscar Wilde
- Give attention to each other. Giving attention when your partner is speaking. By listening to and looking at your partner, shows that you do have time for him. It is very disrespectful to keep looking at the TV with one eye, or to assume that you know already what the other has to say. The subjects of most conversations might seem pointless, but the conversation in itself is not pointless at all. It shows that you choose to take time for each other. “He/she never listens when I want to say something” and “He/she always interrupts me when I talk” are very common complaints of people when the relationship is down.
- Show appreciation and give compliments. In our hearts we all know what the best qualities are of our partners, no matter how far down in the dumps you are. But do you still take time to notice these qualities, or are you only focused on negative issues and have come to view the qualities as ‘normal’? Let your partner know that you think he is great, whether it is about hanging a picture frame or about getting a great price for a second hand lawn mower. The one person that we want to please most is our partner, so we should also show that we are pleased. People who go unrewarded will shrink into themselves and eventually will stop doing what they are good at and pleasing the other.
- Be respectful and do not offend each other. Contempt and criticism are downright relationship killers. Eye rolling, sighing and expressions like “even a three-year-old could figure that out” seem to be ingredients that many couples try to add to the relationship, but it openly shows disrespect and is hard to swallow. Sometimes the offender does not even realize that he or she is disrespectful, but damage occurs with every disrespectful act, whether conscious or unconscious, deliberate or unintentional.
- Give each other freedom within the relationship. Being able to be yourself is very important. Also you cannot chain down love or keep it on a short leash.
- Add more praise and less criticism to our relationships.
Paul Tillich
It is very important to cherish the relationship that you have. Nowadays people change relationships as quickly as they can change the channel on the television. Everyone seems to be looking for something better, more exciting, more crazy, but you cannot find your happiness in that. You have to accept that not everything is great, fantastic and wonderful. It is just life, and good is good enough.
It helps if you do not look at your relationship as obvious, but show some appreciation, admiration and be grateful for little things. You cannot change your partner, but you can do something about your half of the relationship. With the right ingredients, you can grow into the most beautiful person that is inside you.
Comments 13
Excellent post, I tell young people that marriage is work, it’s not easy at all.
Posted 22 Mar 2009 at 3:00 am ¶You are right Denise. Like everything else, marriage is work. But if we can keep filling up our car with gasoline, if we can keep on maintaining our houses, and if we can keep on cooking/eating/cleaning the dishes and washing/ironing/wearing clothes, then why can’t we keep on feeding our relationship? Isn’t it much more rewarding than the results of filling up on gas, doing laundry or cleaning the dishes? Isn’t is worth it to work on a relationship?
Posted 22 Mar 2009 at 11:55 am ¶this was a wonderful post - regardless of who you are with you are going to have to put in the work or at least you should.
relationships need to be maintained and need regular check ups just like an oil change. people pay more attention to their cars than they do to their relationships. it takes two. not just the woman making the man happy - don’t make me vomit - the man has to put in work as well - even if he is the breadwinner and the man of the house. he still has work to do and is not just to be served.
Posted 22 Mar 2009 at 11:11 pm ¶This is a great post. Especially, following sentence is so true: “People who go unrewarded will shrink into themselves and eventually will stop doing what they are good at and pleasing the other.” Thank you for sharing.
Burak
Posted 23 Mar 2009 at 2:08 am ¶I’m in the best relationship ever and it’s because I broke a pattern starting from youth which always led me to pick the bad guy. Good post with lots of good tips.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 1:31 am ¶@ Natural: Thanks for your comment. You are so right that it takes two to make a good relationship. A man should work on it just as hard as a woman. But this blog is for women, so I won’t reach many men with my message.
I read in a forum this week part of a post that said: “It always takes time to change someone…” and I thought that that was the most curious answer, because since when do we have the right to change our partners? We just have to hope, and most of all work very hard on the things that we can change…: our own behavior.
@ Distiller’s Corner: Everyone deserves a little pat on the back every now and then. It lifts people up when they are appreciated. It is a lot easier to be around people who feel good about themselves than people who don’t. And we can help others feeling good. So, we benefit from that too.
@ Jude: What does ‘the bad guy’ look like? Perhaps just wrong timing, wrong combination, wrong relationship. I really think that everyone has something good inside and can be good for someone, but not everyone.
Posted 24 Mar 2009 at 11:39 am ¶Great post! Sometimes we all need a little reminder that it is indeed work- not just on the marriage but also ourselves! As mom of 2 kids 2 and under, it has been hard to put the focus on the marriage (and myself). I always said how important it is to be a role model to the kids- by setting the example and taking care of you and the marriage. This is not so easy when the babies are young and nursing- this really takes a lot of focus- you need to make time! Also, if you don’t feel good about yourself because you are not taking care of yourself as a mother- there is not much more to give. So I think loving yourself is also a crucial ingredient in a good marriage. There is one common thread when it comes to bullies (that use contempt and criticism) - they have low self esteem (therefore trying to bring others down) If you are not taking care of yourself and have resentment because of this, this will effect all relationships (including your marriage) Freedom and having your own passions tie all this together- So I think the real work is looking within- then working on the marriage will be a breeze (or no real work at all because if you are centered you will know what to do and live it)
Posted 28 Mar 2009 at 12:49 am ¶I agree! And also, using Lux seems to help, too. I love the old Lux ads!
Posted 30 Mar 2009 at 12:39 am ¶Well I always knew you whre an extra ordinary smart lady !! I really like this prt but the big question..HOW do we get MEN to read it ?
Maybee….on my way over….
Posted 31 Mar 2009 at 2:35 am ¶@ Angie : Thanks for your thoughts. I think that I agree on if you feel right about yourself anything is a breeze. And especially when you are a mum of young kids its is not always easy to take care of yourself and feel right, but we do have to prioritize it, for ourselves, for our kids and our marriages.
@ Zahra : How nice to have you here! I don’t really care about the MEN reading this. I think that when you focus long enough on becoming a better person yourself, all the other answers will come. Either men will fill in the other half of the story once we have done our half, or the whole issue will dissolve after we have become totally ZEN with ourselves, because most of the problems are in our minds only.
Posted 31 Mar 2009 at 4:32 pm ¶Great post…loved the comic strips.
It is so vital for both partners to understand that equal respect and an equal awareness in how the other person ticks is what a strong foundation is made of in a relationship.
Also it is very important that both partners play an equal role in treating the other not as a door mat or a piece of furniture which happens once the comfort zone moves in.
Good conversation and/or communication is how most relationships stay strong.
Giving each other equal amounts of space and not trying to do things for each other that you want to do but more so think about what they want to do.
Anything worth having does not come easily.
Posted 02 Apr 2009 at 2:02 am ¶There is not a single flower that blooms if it is forgotten or neglected.
Have a very lovely day!
DorothyL
Being in a relationship requires hardwork. It’s not all roses, it has glitches along the way but problems make two people in the relationship become the best person they can be. Yeah, you’re right, showing some appreciation and gratitude even to the smallest of things can have a BIG impact in the relationship.
Posted 02 Apr 2009 at 3:41 pm ¶i enjoyed the post it is refreshing and one should definitely take these things into account. However, as I read other people’s responses I see this “marriage/relationships are work or hardwork” I personally don’t like that because thats how people become tired as we become tired of our jobs at times… when you think of relationships as work the disinterest will come about… why don’t we just rephrase it as something that needs to keep being maintained as anything in our lives… “work” is JUST that “work” something else
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