Without Dash

Being a confident and popular kid, I never expected to turn into a shy adult around my twenties. But it happened. I think the biggest turn was when I decided to move from my safe and familiar home in Europe to a new and adventurous life with my husband (then boyfriend) in SE Asia. Not only the obvious things as weather, food and activities changed, but also my social life. The hardest part was not that I had to do without my friends and family, because I expected to make lots of new contacts quickly. It was the fact that rules of social behavior in this new culture were unfamiliar to me, which prevented me from making new friends. I did not do anything ‘wrong’, but somehow things were different. I was different. As a result, I lost confidence and turned shy.

Luckily for me, this was just a phase in my life and I got over it soon. Due to my new shy condition, I spent a lot of time with myself and got to know myself pretty well. And I started to appreciate myself more than I did when I was my confident self. I also started to enjoy my own company and did not need to make so many friends as I thought I needed. I have become a much more introverted person since then. And with this I have come to the conclusion that being shy and being introvert are not the same.

Being shy has all to do with being uncomfortable with one’s self, while being introvert is about being very comfortable with yourself. Introverts are not scared of socializing, but just prefer to be on their own. Introverts are known to be smart and make up 60% of gifted people. They like to spend time with their own thoughts and feel that other people are draining their energy.

Shyness, however, is rooted in fear and usually arises from bad experiences. This could be at a very early age, but also in adulthood, as was my case. Bullying, domineering siblings, overprotective parents, failed romances, can all be factors to create shyness in a person. And once you have the label ‘shy’, you will try to live up to it. You might get into a vicious circle of believing that you are incapable of handling the situation and therefore never get out of it.

For me, I recognized what I was feeling, but also understood that people are very self centered. What might be an embarrassment to you probably does not mean anything to anyone else. No one remembers that you stumbled over your words the other day or said something out of the box. And if someone had a reaction that you find hard to deal with, it says more about the other person, the mood they are in or a recent event in their life, than it says about you. It helped me get over my shyness very quickly.

Here are a few more tips if you think you are a shy person, but would like to be an introvert person:

First, you have to change your mindset:

• Self awareness is the first step to any life improvement, but it is not the same as self consciousness. Instead of watching yourself as if you are another person, bring your awareness inward. Try to understand why you are shy.
• Realize that other people are not so different. Everyone is afraid of embarrassment and other people are not as smart as you think. In their heads, they are probably asking the same questions as you do.
• Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are unique and beautiful. What we keep on telling ourselves, will be heard by our unconscious mind. And then we will become those words. Change your mantra to include your strengths rather than weaknesses.
• Learn to love yourself.
• What are you trying to avoid? If you need to confront someone to support your own interests, aren’t the benefits of doing so enough motivation to set aside your shyness?
• Give up on perfectionism. Stop comparing yourself with the most popular person, or celebrities and heroes. They often have a whole team behind them and aren’t what it seems. Do not set impossible expectations or try to fit in a suit that is not yours.
• Now, let’s turn it around. Being shy is selfish! You can hurt other people with your shyness, because you are not a contributing member of society. Your thoughts and ideas deserve to be heard. If a soccer player stands in front of the goal but decides to pass rather than shoot, he is hurting the whole team. It is selfish to shelter yourself from embarrassment or a chance to excel, when you can do something for a whole group.
• Shyness does not benefit anyone. What does saving yourself from a little embarrassment amount to in the long run? Not that much.

Now you are motivated enough to overcome your shyness, you can take action by following these practical tips:

• Use visualization techniques. Imagine yourself in a situation and see yourself the way you would like to be.
• Think about something constructive and do not dwell on bad experiences. Remember and relive confident moments.
• Do what makes you feel comfortable. Night clubs aren’t for everyone. Neither are chess clubs. Find the social setting that makes you comfortable and brings out the best in you.
• Practice social skills. Social skills can be learned just like any other skill. The more you practice it, the better you will get. Put yourself out there.
• Be yourself. Trying to fit in is very exhausting and you can’t keep up forever.
• Focus on other people rather than your shyness. People are self centered and probably do not notice your awkwardness. Probe others to talk about themselves. Let them be the center of attention.
• If you feel intimidated, imagine your body growing and the person opposite you shrinking. View your opponent as a toddler who wants a cuddle and the conversation will be a lot easier to handle.
• Make eye contact to show respect. Move your eyes around the person’s face rather than stare.
• Focus on the moment, on the words others speak, on the content of the conversation, the tones, the expressions and forget about yourself, how you look, etc.
• Do not leave an uncomfortable situation. If the conversation stops for a moment, do not walk away. If you leave now, you will reinforce your shyness. Instead, observe your feelings. Why does it make you uncomfortable?
• Accept rejection and do not take it personally. We are all different and will all experience rejection at some point. That is part of life.

Of course, I’m still shy at moments. We all have these difficult situations in which we would rather not find ourselves. And we all meet intimidating people sometimes, in front of who we would like to make a good impression and not embarrass ourselves. But it does not need to influence the rest of our lives.