Without Dash

Step 1: Realize why you do not say ‘no’.
Maybe you like to be busy, or think that you should be able to do everything at the same time, because others do it. However, chances are high that you are just afraid to say ‘no’. You do not want to disappoint anyone, and want to be friends with everyone.
Afraid to say ‘no’ means afraid that people do not accept you. You think that if you do not meet all expectations, people will not like you or need you.

Step 2: Find out how you developed this strategy.
The need to keep others satisfied usually develops very early and is used as a strategy to find a place within the family. If you have a sibling who needed a lot of attention, you might have found out that you would get your share of attention if you helped out. And so you developed into a pleaser. Also children who used to be the peacemaker in families with fighting parents often think that being sweet and fulfilling the needs of others will make them loved.
At that time it was very intelligent to use these strategies, because it did help you get the love and attention you needed. But now that you have grown up it is time to change.

Step 3: Learn to know your boundaries.
‘Yes’ has become an automatic answer to every question because you do not know your limits well enough. You feel your boundaries only when you have passed them too often, when your life is not in balance any more, when you feel that people are (ab)using your generosity, or in the worst case when you have reached a burn-out.

Learn to know your limits by getting in touch with your inner feelings. When someone asks something of you, stop and be quiet for a while. Your body is very aware of the real answer. What is the reaction to the question? What does your body say? Does it make me happy?

Step 4: Focus on yourself.
You are probably very sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. You have developed a strong sense of empathy and it is time to start using that quality and apply it to yourself. What do YOU want?

Step 5: Start small.
At first, you will not feel very comfortable with your new resolution. When you say ‘no’, your inner critic will say that it is wrong to say ‘no’ and that you will get hurt. But if you start with small things, you will see that it is not that bad at all. You will find that often people do understand why you cannot do something and even appreciate it if you set limits and say no. Do explain why and apologize if necessary, but do not change your mind.

Step 6: Resist the resistance.
People are used to you always saying yes and doing everything. So, don’t be surprised if people protest when you are saying ‘no’ for once or stop doing things that you would normally do. Learn to accept the negative reaction of others, and do not change your mind just because of the reaction.

Step 7: Say ‘ yes’ as well, but be selective.
You often hear of women going to a assertiveness course and overdo it, turning into selfish people who will only do something that they want for themselves. There are still things that nobody wants to do, or is happy doing, but are just part of life. You cannot say no to everything. Sometimes hurting someone’s feelings when saying ‘no’ is a good reason to say ‘yes’. If you make your choices consciously you can realize when you are going over your limits and when it is really worthwhile doing so.

Tags: self improvement