Without Dash

You must know women who are mean and manipulating in their relationships, perhaps you are one of them. I know plenty, so you could be one of them. What am I talking about? A wife/girlfriend who always fights over nothing, who threatens to walk out of the relationship, who shouts, who throws with whatever is at hand, and very popular is the wife that walks away (perhaps even hides herself) and hopes that the husband follows and/or searches for her.

Marriage is supposed to be a happy institution; it is about love, commitment, support, sharing, compromising, giving, etc. Of course, every couple has to have an argument every now and then, but that does not have to end in a dirty fight. If you are grown up enough to get married, you should be grown up enough to save your marriage from turning nasty.

Research shows that 50% of the marriages will only be happy after therapy. Isn’t that ridiculous? Do we really need a therapist to save our marriages? Shouldn’t it be natural for two people who love each other to stay together?

Divorce rates started rising in the 1960’s and even faster in the 1970’s, but seemed to stagnate a little bit after that. (The stagnation is just an illusion, because many people live together and separate without ever marrying now.) Anyway, according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Well, let’s not think about that too long. It is just too depressing to see what is going on the world today. Let’s get back to those marital fights. Every couple has fights. I won’t say it is a good thing, but it happens. However, a fight should be just a fight; a temporary conflict. Sometimes, a fight is just a thoughtless effort to prove that you’re both still headed in the same direction. A fight should not end up in broken dishes, bruises and worst of all permanent scars in the relationship.

When partners fight fairly, they actually build more understanding and intimacy, which should help your relationship last instead of break it. Fighting fairly is a critical skill that you must learn to save your marriage. So, bitches, pay attention now! And lovely wives, have a nice read, you might want to add something. That should be obvious. So, here are my 20 tips to keep the fights with your husband decent:

1. Do not cause physical pain or injuries. It should be obvious that you cannot throw things, break things, hit, bite, kick and anything like this.
2. Name calling: Name calling is about nothing. It is just a demeaning way of turning unimportant issues into something bad. It is childish and unnecessary.
3. Criticize behavior, not people. If you have a fight with your husband/boyfriend you love this person. It is alright to show this during a fight. You love the person, but not what he did or did not do.
4. Do not offend family members. Don’t drag his mum’s efforts of raising him into the fight. Or his dad’s addictions. It has nothing to do with the issue and you can create irreversible damage to the relationship.
5. Limit argument times. A fight does not have to go on for hours and hours. 15 minutes should be more than enough for two adults to resolve an issue.
6. Think before you say. Don’t just blurt out something that is not the issue. Keep yourself calm.
7. Listen, and do not cut people off. Every fight has at least two sides to the story. You’re your time to listen to the other side of the story. When you understand it, there might not be any need for a fight after all.
8. Keep your voice down. Shouting is only showing that you cannot control yourself. It does not help to make yourself heard or listened to.
9. Learn to apologize. Saying sorry does not come easy for everyone. Learn how to say sorry and mean it. (This topic alone is worth a whole new post!)
10. Don’t accumulate issues; don’t throw old incidents in the fight. Know what the issue is about and stick to that subject.
11. Postpone discussion until you both have calmed down. Sometimes it is better to walk out of the fight and come back to talk about the issue when you have both calmed down. Do come back and talk about it, though. An unsolved issue might only cause more pain next time.
12. Use ‘I’ instead of ‘You’. Talk about what you feel instead of what does other does wrong.
13. Don’t use words as ‘always’ or ‘never’. It simply isn’t true. Between black and white there are so many grey areas.
14. Don’t fight to win, fight to resolve something. Remember that you are allies, not enemies. And do not keep a score of who won the previous fight or most of the fights.
15. Talk directly about what can change. Only whining, complaining and accusing is not going to work. Try to come with a solution that will resolve the issue and is good for both of you.
16. No eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking heads. Take your husband seriously if you want him to take you seriously.
17. Don’t blame or accuse, resolve instead.
18. Leave your baggage at the door. You might have had a bad day at work, or a whole bad week, but do not take it out on your partner.
19. Don’t talk in riddles. Say what you mean. Men do not like to guess what the issue is. They need to be told clearly.
20. Learn how to admit mistakes and forgive. We are human beings and making a mistake is unavoidable. Admitting yours and forgiving others for theirs is the way to make up the fight.

Fighting too long or too often can damage a relationship, but it is important to know that when you fight it is normally because of an already damaged relationship. Work on your relationship together instead of fight of unimportant issues like whose turn it is to switch of the light at night.

Having a fight is normal and you can make up and get over the issue. The hope is only lost when you do not want to make up anymore, when you cannot apologize anymore, or do not have enough love to forgive each other. Remember why you married your husband in the first place, remember that your marriage is a precious gift, and that you can face problems together rather than put them in between you. After the storm, there will be calm. After the rain there will be sunshine. And the calm and sunshine are worth saving our marriages.

Tags: Romance and Relationships