You must know women who are mean and manipulating in their relationships, perhaps you are one of them. I know plenty, so you could be one of them. What am I talking about? A wife/girlfriend who always fights over nothing, who threatens to walk out of the relationship, who shouts, who throws with whatever is at hand, and very popular is the wife that walks away (perhaps even hides herself) and hopes that the husband follows and/or searches for her.
Marriage is supposed to be a happy institution; it is about love, commitment, support, sharing, compromising, giving, etc. Of course, every couple has to have an argument every now and then, but that does not have to end in a dirty fight. If you are grown up enough to get married, you should be grown up enough to save your marriage from turning nasty.
Research shows that 50% of the marriages will only be happy after therapy. Isn’t that ridiculous? Do we really need a therapist to save our marriages? Shouldn’t it be natural for two people who love each other to stay together?
Divorce rates started rising in the 1960’s and even faster in the 1970’s, but seemed to stagnate a little bit after that. (The stagnation is just an illusion, because many people live together and separate without ever marrying now.) Anyway, according to the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
Well, let’s not think about that too long. It is just too depressing to see what is going on the world today. Let’s get back to those marital fights. Every couple has fights. I won’t say it is a good thing, but it happens. However, a fight should be just a fight; a temporary conflict. Sometimes, a fight is just a thoughtless effort to prove that you’re both still headed in the same direction. A fight should not end up in broken dishes, bruises and worst of all permanent scars in the relationship.
Lao Tzu
When partners fight fairly, they actually build more understanding and intimacy, which should help your relationship last instead of break it. Fighting fairly is a critical skill that you must learn to save your marriage. So, bitches, pay attention now! And lovely wives, have a nice read, you might want to add something. That should be obvious. So, here are my 20 tips to keep the fights with your husband decent:
- Do not cause physical pain or injuries. It should be obvious that you cannot throw things, break things, hit, bite, kick and anything like this.
- Name calling: Name calling is about nothing. It is just a demeaning way of turning unimportant issues into something bad. It is childish and unnecessary.
- Criticize behavior, not people. If you have a fight with your husband/boyfriend you love this person. It is alright to show this during a fight. You love the person, but not what he did or did not do.
- Do not offend family members. Don’t drag his mum’s efforts of raising him into the fight. Or his dad’s addictions. It has nothing to do with the issue and you can create irreversible damage to the relationship.
- Limit argument times. A fight does not have to go on for hours and hours. 15 minutes should be more than enough for two adults to resolve an issue.
- Think before you say. Don’t just blurt out something that is not the issue. Keep yourself calm.
- Listen, and do not cut people off. Every fight has at least two sides to the story. You’re your time to listen to the other side of the story. When you understand it, there might not be any need for a fight after all.
- Keep your voice down. Shouting is only showing that you cannot control yourself. It does not help to make yourself heard or listened to.
- Learn to apologize. Saying sorry does not come easy for everyone. Learn how to say sorry and mean it. (This topic alone is worth a whole new post!)
- Don’t accumulate issues; don’t throw old incidents in the fight. Know what the issue is about and stick to that subject.
- Postpone discussion until you both have calmed down. Sometimes it is better to walk out of the fight and come back to talk about the issue when you have both calmed down. Do come back and talk about it, though. An unsolved issue might only cause more pain next time.
- Use ‘I’ instead of ‘You’. Talk about what you feel instead of what does other does wrong.
- Don’t use words as ‘always’ or ‘never’. It simply isn’t true. Between black and white there are so many grey areas.
- Don’t fight to win, fight to resolve something. Remember that you are allies, not enemies. And do not keep a score of who won the previous fight or most of the fights.
- Talk directly about what can change. Only whining, complaining and accusing is not going to work. Try to come with a solution that will resolve the issue and is good for both of you.
- No eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking heads. Take your husband seriously if you want him to take you seriously.
- Don’t blame or accuse, resolve instead.
- Leave your baggage at the door. You might have had a bad day at work, or a whole bad week, but do not take it out on your partner.
- Don’t talk in riddles. Say what you mean. Men do not like to guess what the issue is. They need to be told clearly.
- Learn how to admit mistakes and forgive. We are human beings and making a mistake is unavoidable. Admitting yours and forgiving others for theirs is the way to make up the fight.
Fighting too long or too often can damage a relationship, but it is important to know that when you fight it is normally because of an already damaged relationship. Work on your relationship together instead of fight of unimportant issues like whose turn it is to switch of the light at night.
Barnett Brickner
Having a fight is normal and you can make up and get over the issue. The hope is only lost when you do not want to make up anymore, when you cannot apologize anymore, or do not have enough love to forgive each other. Remember why you married your husband in the first place, remember that your marriage is a precious gift, and that you can face problems together rather than put them in between you. After the storm, there will be calm. After the rain there will be sunshine. And the calm and sunshine are worth saving our marriages.
Comments 21
THAT picture!! haha. Interesting ideas, thanks.
Posted 01 Feb 2009 at 7:38 am ¶Marriage is like a garden. You need to constantly water it, and remove the weeds so that the weeds don’t overtake the garden.
This is a good post. Sometimes it goes the other way around. There are husbands that do the same to their wives.
Posted 01 Feb 2009 at 10:20 pm ¶These are great tips and definitely should be followed for a longer lasting relationship. And I agree, marriage is not always happy lovey dovey times- tough periods are what makes your relationship stronger.
Btw, thanks for your input on my post on people showing off.
Posted 02 Feb 2009 at 9:55 pm ¶I enjoy your blog and appreciate all the sound advice that you share. It’s hard when you have to learn to live with someone and many people get disillusioned after the honeymoon period when reality really sets in.
Posted 02 Feb 2009 at 11:40 pm ¶Thanks for all the lovely comments.
Posted 03 Feb 2009 at 4:53 pm ¶Life in the 21st century should come with a manual. I try my best to create one here.
Hello…Very positive and intelligent posts you offer to your readers.
Posted 04 Feb 2009 at 4:09 am ¶A relationship must have dual respect or it just does not work….at least not in a healthy and happy manner.
If we treat ourselves first and foremost with respect and carry that respect onto our partners…life is good.
We reap what we sow….that is so true even in relationships.
To receive love…one must give love.
Relationship disrespect is not and never has been gender specific. The problem these days is that woman tend to go into relationships with a chip on their shoulder or they feel the need to prove they are stronger and/or more superior than their partner. This is all part and parcel in how people also view what is positive morals as opposed to negative morals these days.
Self-respect is a definite must in having a healthy relationship.
Love your thoughts!
DorothyL
great post. these are very good tips. respect really is the key. first you have to have self respect, then you earn it from your partner, then everything follows.
thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment.:D
Posted 04 Feb 2009 at 6:28 pm ¶Very good insights about marriage. I really enjoyed reading this particular post of yours. I just got married last year and I’m still in my baby steps when it comes to marriage but I’m trying my best. I’ll heed all your wonderful advices here. Thanks for visiting my site. You are always welcome to back anytime. Hope we could exchange links. Good day!
Posted 05 Feb 2009 at 12:03 am ¶I prefer to call it “communicating with passion” rather than fighting, but your tips are spot on. Reaching across the table to find common ground works not only in marriage, but in lots of endeavors.
peace,
Posted 05 Feb 2009 at 8:45 am ¶mike
livelife365
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It seems to be gone from people’s lives. And that is really a shame. We need it to make marriages last, to discipline our children, run a successful business, make valuable friendships.
People do not know how to respect people anymore, but at least they should ’show’ respect and treat others respectfully.
What goes around, comes around. And do we like it when we are shouted at, or humiliated, or critized? I don’t think so.
Thank you Dorothy for enhancing my post with statements on respect and morals. This is what Without Dash is about!
Everyone else, thank you too! I really appreciate that you read my posts and take time to add bits. I’m working on another great one now. Subscribe and you won’t miss it.
Posted 05 Feb 2009 at 10:09 pm ¶Wow so I just got back from having a massive talk with my long term boyfriend. We are constantly fighting over little things, and I was on the verge of giving up but after reading this, it’s definately encouraged me to take a step back and look at my relationship from another perspective. So thankyou so much for this article, I think this will help in my boyfriend and I in having a much more healthy and lasting relationship.
Posted 07 Aug 2009 at 10:32 pm ¶You are welcome, Sarah. This is what I do it for.
Posted 08 Aug 2009 at 10:25 pm ¶If just a few people out there start to see things more clearly after reading my articles, than I am very satisfied. Life does not need to be very hard.
some excellent thoughts for keeping!
the 20-point list should be hung on the wall in my bedroom closet so that I can be reminded of what is so easy to forget, yet so critical to establishing and keeping good vibrations in the couple, in the household.
Thank you!
Clay
Posted 09 Sep 2009 at 6:11 pm ¶IM SO GLAD I JUST READ THIS CUZ THATS ME ALWAYS FIGHTING AND TRYING TO HURT MYHUSBAND… I WILL LEARN N GROWN FRM THIS THX U
Posted 06 Aug 2010 at 9:49 pm ¶Thank you, Elizabeth.
Posted 09 Aug 2010 at 11:15 am ¶I’m glad that you learned something from my post. Trying to hurt your husband is probably a way of manipulating for you, a way of having control. But the boost of self esteem you get from being in control is nihilated by the sorrow you get from your own behavior.
I’ll try and make a post that will go deeper into this topic. Thanks for inspiring me!
I should take a print out of this and hang it.
Sometimes the fights really hurt us both and then we dont know what to do. We do make up after a while, but the whole process gives a lot of mental agony.
Posted 24 Aug 2010 at 1:40 pm ¶There are quite a lot of naive posters on this site. Despite some sensible advice, which you can read in any book on relationships, the advertisment at the top of the page (women are infantile and it’s enjoyable to ’sort them out’ - very transparent) and the use of the word ‘bitches’ says everything we need to know about the writer.
Giving women advice on how to be good to their man? Controlling men are two a penny. It’s just sad to see so many women buying in to the ‘child’ role and agreeing to become the ‘fixers’. Where is the site on helping men to fix themselves?
Posted 04 Oct 2010 at 6:51 pm ¶all of these are true.. my husband and i just had a major blow up.. but it’s still very hard to keep you’re cool.. thanks for the info though
Posted 05 Aug 2011 at 4:38 am ¶thanks…all ur sugesstions are 100% right bt dnt u think guys never care if we just apologize everytime. they never try to understand what really their partner is in need of.and i think 90% of issues might be caused due to the lack of understanding between each other and the expressions feelings of love care which they have to show at times
Posted 12 Sep 2011 at 8:50 pm ¶Hi…the advices are good to save marriage as well as relationship…but will guys adhere to it…u know why these fights occur…because of “expectations”, husbands have right to keep expectations from his wives, in-laws, children and its wives’ duty to fulfill it, but if she has any expectation from her husband…lo…arguments, violence follows, even if we have good understanding and love. Can you pls tell me why does it happen…
Posted 13 Sep 2011 at 1:33 pm ¶Very good reading material.For some reason women have more work to do in the telationship than a men,I,m still looking why it is like that?There is many things we won’t be able to find out all those “whys” just accepted the fact things are as they are with no answers to our “whys”.Love is a good thing and it’s worth every effort to keep it happy and healthy.Just lately I was reading in Maclean’s magazine “Don’t be sabotaged by a selfish partner” like the part about pleasing and about selfishness,focusing enough on those two things and there won’t be any fights in close intimate relationships.Think deeper.Thanks.
Posted 02 Oct 2011 at 11:32 pm ¶Post a Comment