Do you have sexual fantasies?
Don’t tell me that you do not have any, because that is simply not true. Everyone has sexual fantasies. According to research at least 95% of the people have them. The other 5% either won’t admit having them, or never really paid attention to their own thoughts. It is not a coincidence that this group is the same group of people who are not satisfied with their sex life.
First thing coming up in my mind when I see these figures is people who I can classify in the 5% of the population. There seem to be an awful lot of people to me who will not admit having any fantasies. But then, they will not admit that to me! They might admit that in an anonymous questionnaire. Who knows? Because fact is that sexual fantasies are still a taboo. Even to our closest friends, who know all about us, we are not revealing our fantasies.
Freud stated in 1908 that people who fantasize are dissatisfied and unhappy. This automatically led to the assumption of the deficiency theory, namely that fantasies are compensation to people who can’t get the real thing. But nothing is less true. Sexual fantasies have nothing to do with not having enough sex. And research even shows that the people with most sexual fantasies are actually having more sex, in wider varieties, and very likely with more people. There is apparently a strong link between having fantasies and having a healthy sex life, which in turn is good for your relationship.
Nora Ephron
What do you fantasize about?
You do not need to be a genius to understand that men have different fantasies than women. Men fantasize more about big breasted women and focus more on physical details from various angles and positions, while women’s fantasies are more shaped like a passionate story with men who find them irresistible. Besides that, men are more often fantasizing about what they are doing to a woman, while to woman dreams of having things done to her.
And when it comes to dominance and submissions fantasies, a research shows that 44% of the men fantasize about dominating a partner, while another study shows that 51% of all women fantasize about submitting to a partner’s sexual wishes or being forced to have sex. This includes rape fantasies, being tied up or treated roughly.
None of the fantasies, however, have anything to do with reality. Lesbian fantasies do not mean that you are a lesbian, just as people fantasizing about rape do not have a wish to be raped in reality. It is suggested that fantasies even help prevent realities. It is not without reason that most people are embarrassed of their own fantasies and do not share them with friends. Most fantasies are not to be repeated in reality, because reality has consequences. According to researchers, are fantasies a concern only when they become compulsive or exclusive, or for individuals ‘in whom the barrier between thought and behavior has been broken’.
Fran Lebowitz
Fantasizing about sex can be good for your sex life and relationship. It can also work as an antidepressant, a way to escape reality; it is a way of satisfying curiosity, releasing aggression, and suppressing negative feelings. But do we really need all this justification of fantasizing? 95% of us think that the arousal factor is reason enough. So, keep on dreaming…
Comments 3
Hmmm… I don’t think I am hesitant about sharing my sexual fantasies. Well, at least with certain people.
This is a very interesting post.
Posted 16 Jun 2009 at 10:31 pm ¶My wife claims she never has sexual fantasies. She also claims to be sexually open-minded and interested in trying a lot of different scenarios. When confronted with those scenarios in real life, she tends to recoil from them before even giving them a “good old college try.” Worse yet, she has a low libido, though she says that when she was single she was sleeping around with all sorts of guys and even tried a girl a couple of times. So I’m left with a wife who barely want to have sex with me, never tries anything unapproved by the Catholic church, and has perfected the art of making excuses for not being interested. I am at my rope’s end. I may insist on an open marriage even though we have 2 young children. What do I do? PS, I am not interested in hearing that I should be understanding because 2 kids are a lot of work and it’s ok fo rher to be too tired to have sex. She doesn’t have a job, has a nanny, and I work much harder than her and am never put off from sex. At my ropes end!
Posted 24 Jul 2009 at 1:29 pm ¶Fantasies and real life are not exactly the same thing.
I do understand your wife, but see the point you are making here, and it is a good point. It is just that as a woman I know that sex can be a very emotional thing for us. And after a day with two small kids it is not just the physical tiredness that is withholding us from sex, but mostly the emotional changes that we go through. We do not feel sexy any more. So far for understanding the issue.
Many women think that when we “are not in the mood”, we cannot have sex. This is so untrue. If we all have to wait until all circumstances are “just right” and we both have a perfect mood for having sex, it will never happen. At least not in a house with small children.
Sometimes sex is just one more thing on our to-do list and I do not see anything wrong with that. Your wife needs to understand how important sex is for maintaining a healthy relationship, and then perhaps you can seek help together from a sex therapist. Going to a sex therapist is not something gross and distasteful. It is just like going to a relationship therapist, but more specialized.
For you, you might want to try to start kissing your wife more often. An ‘I-love-you-kiss’ at least once a day. Show your appreciation and love at times that it does not have anything to do with sex and is definitely not a lead up to sex. Kissing for the sake of kissing helps strengthening the emotional relationship between the two of you.
Good luck!
Posted 31 Jul 2009 at 10:12 am ¶Post a Comment