Without Dash

Frequently cited reasons for divorce are still infidelity, lack of commitment, addictions, and abuse. But ranking very high in the top reasons for breaking up is the inability to resolve conflict. Often the conflicts are not about big issues, but about petty differences between the partners; little irritants as a wet towel on the bathroom floor, the way someone eats or the tone of voice. Perhaps it are little things that you used to think were very cute, but these same things make you wince now. These little problems may not seem worthwhile to break up over, but it is adding them up and processing the underlying information that really kills the relationship.

A wet towel on the bathroom floor can turn into a big problem, when added up with a remark that the food tasted weird today and turning up the volume of the TV during a conversation. Because then you are not seeing the individual irritants anymore, but instead see a moral defect; your partner is disrespectful and selfish. You end up feeling unloved, unheard and unappreciated. And the issue is no longer about that wet towel. No matter what the little irritant is, the interpretation of it is far worse for your relationship.

At least, if you see that the problem has now shifted to yourself, you can do something about it. I already mentioned it last week in the article Learning to Let Go: “Let go of trying to change people, because you are what is bothering you about them.” It all depends on how you interpret the problem.

• If you take every action personally, whether it was deliberate, accidental, conscious or not, you are very likely to interpret it as “you do not love me enough” or “you do not care about be enough”, because otherwise it would be simple to stop being so annoying. Truth is that your partner probably does not realize what he or she is doing, or else did not think it was such an issue. You can bring up the topic in a loving way (try not to criticize) or just learn to live with it. At least try to take it for what it is; an annoying habit. And do not try to give the habit any meaning. Is the habit in itself worth fighting over?
• Do not make comparisons. Your partner might not cut his steak in the same way as you do, or does not wipe the sink clean after using it, or uses his fork as a backscratcher, but at the same time he might be a great DIY-er, or the most honest and loving man you know. Reframe your thoughts and focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t. Nobody is perfect and waiting for someone that has all the right virtues will take forever.
• Be aware of your partner’s needs. Often partners cannot express their needs well, but instead resort to unwanted behavior. Be the stronger one and break the pattern.
  Yelling and screaming is usually a cry for help. The person doing the yelling is trying to say that they are out of control and do not know what to do anymore. He/she is looking for understanding, connection or even praise. The best way to break a pattern of yelling and fighting is to not yell and fight back. Be the stronger partner and calm yourself enough to calm the other. Let the other now that no matter how he/she is yelling or screaming, you love her/him and are not going to leave.
  Flirting is another call for attention, and one that can be hurtful and humiliating to a partner as well. A lack of closeness, playfulness and attention are often the underlying cause of flirting. Look beyond your hurt feelings and ask yourself what your partner’s needs are.
• Appreciate your partner. A little appreciation makes people eager to please. But if our efforts are not noticed, we feel taken for granted and lose interest in performing generous acts and get irritable. But it does go two ways. Show appreciation where you can, but try to ignore on what your partner isn’t giving you. When your partner does not show the appreciation that you feel you deserve, remember not to take it personally.
• Attribute good intentions to behavior. The feeling that your partner is trying to control you is a very common problem in a marriage. But the real problem might just be in your head. The might not mean to control you, but is perhaps worried about you, or scared about being abandoned. It might be with the best intentions that your partner does not want you to go out, or gives unnecessary advice.
• Accept differences. Do not assume that your partner’s needs are the same as yours. Some people are surprised when they find that their partner has not been happy in the relationship for quite a while. They might think that they have been giving everything. But have they been giving what the other wanted, or what they wanted for themselves? People are different. Especially men and women are different. Needs different from ours are just as valid and worthy to be fulfilled as our own needs.
• Do not criticize. Most people (especially women) react to little irritants with criticism. They like to analyze what is wrong with their partner and will voice their complaints by explaining how he needs to change. But this is just creating the opposite effect of what is desired. Men shut down, do not want to connect, will become defensive and will not listen to it. The same counts for nagging about other things than irritating habits. Criticism is so destructive to a relationship that it borders on abuse, and it will not even change any behavior.

About 69 percent of all marital problems are unchallengeable. So, if you cannot change any annoying behavior of your partner, all you can do it change your perspective, because chances that you find a person who is exactly the same as you are very small.

Tags: Romance and Relationships