Without Dash

(And I wish that I had another hobby than parenting, but it just seems to be very hard to let go.)

When watching the news (which is becoming more and more tabloid style) you would think that the world is no longer a safe place for children. However, according to most measures, children are now healthier and safer than they have ever been. It is not only that children are now raised in captivity, but add to that all-rubber-cushioned playgrounds, childproof medicine caps, car seats, bicycle helmets, sanitizing gels, and what other protective products that we have invented for our children’s health and safety. We buy our children cell phones to replace the umbilicus. And if we can’t trust all these devices, parents make sure that they are right there in person, coaching their kids every little step from the sideline of their sanitized childhood. (I’m guilty of that. I’m the parent that does not sit at the perimeter of the playground chatting with other mums, but is co-playing and coaching in the playground instead.)

Parents work hard to prevent any discomfort, disappointment and failure in their child’s life, but at the same time manage to take all play and purpose out of childhood as well. (That’s me…)

The purpose of playing is to learn. All through the history of human kind, and animal kind, the little ones play, try and copy adult behavior in order to learn how to control themselves, how to interact with others, how to survive as an adult. Experimenting and making mistakes is the way to success. When you take all challenges away, the children will become risk-averse and psychologically fragile adults pierced by anxiety. They will become persons without identity, without a sense of accomplishment and without an ounce of perseverance; a wimp, a loser. (That’s my kid, destined to be an accountant at a bubble wrap factory.)

If the world is a safer place, then why are we raising a generation of losers?
The theory is that parents of first children are beginners and that they are more worried about their kids than so-called experienced parents. If you have just one or two children, you will be much more anxious and preoccupied than when you have half dozen. However, most parents nowadays never get much further than one or two children, and will then stay in that first-child-anxiety state.

My own theory is that it is very hard to think about a second or third child if you are in that first-child-anxiety state.

I have to confess here that it took me nearly five years to realize that my baby is not part of my body or mind, but is in fact a person on her own and that it is OK if she is not within eyesight under my own supervision playing with super safe toys (and only playing the way you are supposed to play with it), that it is OK to try and experiment, and that it is OK if she gets frustrated, disappointed or hurt sometimes.

I certainly never thought that I could handle a second child. And I often wondered how some parents have the energy to raise six or seven children. But I think that it all has to do with confidence and letting go.

What we need to do is trust our own parenting skills and stop over-researching details in life on which experts do not even agree. And we need to trust that our children are sensible human beings as well, who will learn best from experience. In other words, we have to learn to let go. Parenting is one of those things that really works best when you stop trying so hard. The only way that your children are going to have that successful, problem-free life full of happiness, is when they have learned how to deal with their own problems in the real world. Let them deal with the little things while they are small, because you can’t protect them anymore when they are grown up and the problems are not little anymore.

Tags: thoughts